Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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