The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
