I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
