yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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