At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
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lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
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I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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