so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
