I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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