My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
