My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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