you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
