never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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