I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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