Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
