The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
