I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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