the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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