I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
