So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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