Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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