You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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