o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
