I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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