ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize