the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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