I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
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So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
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I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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