I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He felt like a one man threesome
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
