It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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