Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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