the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
