On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
