Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
