i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My vagina is officially offended.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
