The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.