Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
