Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
