I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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