foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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