AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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