I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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