im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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