It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
