anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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