You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
