i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
