my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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