Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
