I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
