nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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