I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize