Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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