end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
