We won't sleep together?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can't turn off my feet"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
