tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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