and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
