apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
